So many self harm pictures on my personal dash…
It is making me want to cut.
I feel like shit.
I seriously thought my boyfriend thought I had cheated on him, but I hadn’t and I don’t even think that thought crossed his head.
So why did I think about it……
Oh fuck what is going on with me at the moment.
I confused him today.
Because we was getting hot and heavy and I just stopped and clung on to him.
I couldn’t speak I could just hug him.
He got concerned after a while.
And I just sounded so pathetic with “I just had the sudden feeling that you were going to leave me.”
I can’t even explain what it was.
I just had this thought he was going to dump me and that would be it, my happiness would be gone.
My world crashed back down to reality.
We talked and I it made a lot of difference, I felt better.
I just want to make him feel the way he makes me feel.
I have never felt so pretty, special and loved ever!
I want to tell him I love him.
I want to be able to say it, but every time I want to it seems like the wrong time.
Like today I wanted to say it but it was during the time I was thinking that he thought I was cheating on him or someone and I just over thought and had the idea that if I said it, it would have roused more suspicion.
What the fuck is going on in my head at the moment.
I can’t even write this on my person blog cause he reads it and I just think he doesn’t need to know these things just yet.
Plus I don’t want him finding out that I want to tell him I love him because I want it to be face to face and romantic.
Yet I probably don’t have a romantic bone in my body.
Some days I feel like I don’t deserve him, like he could do so much freaking better then me.
But some days I just think ‘yes, I actually have a fucking perfect, lovely, understanding and beautiful boyfriend, that likes me!”
I don’t even know where this post is going anymore at the moment.
My head is all over th place.
I just want him to be here.
But I can’t have that.
And so I want him to text me.
But he is out and when we parted ways his battery was dying, so it is probably dead.
And I just don’t really know how to say sorry for ruining our day together.
I should cherish it because I probably won’t see him now till next week.
I don’t get what is wrong with me at the moment, I just feel so sad and low.
But everything in my life is going to well……